In February of last year I went with my then-girlfriend Amy to the Hotel del Coronado, an ocean resort near San Diego. It’s a lovely place, complete with sandy beaches, nice restaurants, and constant reminders that it’s where the Marilyn Monroe classic Some Like It Hot was filmed.
My first night there I ate some bad crudités at the bar and within hours I was showing symptoms of food poisoning. At breakfast the next morning - a special breakfast for all the guests of people there for the conference my girlfriend was attending - I made polite conversation with the other guests, who were mostly sweet older women there with their affluent lawyer husbands. Midway through a staff member’s breakfast lecture about The Hotel’s Storied History (Did you know they filmed Some Like It Hot there?) I excused myself to projectile vomit all over a locked door that should’ve been unlocked, that should’ve let me into the men’s room where I could projectile vomit privately, with as much dignity as one can have while shooting vomit out of their face like some kind of nightmarish sci-fi vomit cannon.
I spent the next two days in my hotel room, embarrassed, the sound of the tide gently lapping the beach taunting me through windows I’d opened partially to hear the calming ocean breeze, partially to air out my vomity, vomity room. The hotel staff apologized but never seemed to own up to the fact that it was their cauliflower and their veggie dip that reduced me to a pile of lethargy and barf. They dry cleaned the clothes I was wearing when I vomited all over that wretched door, they delivered me some chicken noodle soup and saltine crackers which I ultimately failed to keep down, they called to say they’re sorry I wasn’t feeling well, especially at the Hotel Del Coronado, the Beachfront Hotel Where They Filmed Some Like It Hot, and Golly, Marilyn Monroe Sure Was a Beauty, Wasn’t She? Sorry About All the Vomiting, Though.
So this morning Amy, with whom I am still on good terms, forwarded me an email she received from the Hotel del Coronado, an email saying:
We’d Like to Welcome You Back
Your conference stay was just the beginning of experiencing the historic Hotel del Coronado. We’d like to welcome you back for a relaxing stay on beautiful Coronado Island.
And all she added to the forwarded email was a little winking emoticon, as if to say “isn’t it funny how this promotional email is failing to mention how much you threw up that one time?”
So I cracked open Chrome’s Inspect Element and did what I always do when something needs new words. And you know what? Now I feel a little less bitter about the whole thing. Let bygones by bygoooooRRRRRFFFFF (vomits on pants) noooo you’ve done it again, Hotel Del Coronado!!!!!
Henry Birdseye, every time.