Our editor-in-chief Nick is in New York City, and he’s without power and internet like millions of other people. Fortunately, he let me know he’s fine, so whew!. Naturally it was time to celebrate by writing a short list of things he might do in a fit of internet withdrawal.
Here are the first 3:
Using a battery-powered strobe light to recreate popular animated GIFs by himself in front of a mirror
Leaving real life YouTube comments by shouting “Fail!” out the window at his flooded neighborhood
Creating a “Slacktory Supercut” of the wackiest Ron Weasley moments by physically cutting and pasting together passages from actual Harry Potter books in his living room
“I like to dance, read, communicate, go in for sport, listen to music. I would like to meet a man, who is kind and clever. Who has strong family values, who can be a reliable friend for me, and can be a good father. He must be able to sympathize and support me whatever life brings us.”—
This is an actual spam email I received. It reads like it’s targeted at someone who would think, “Oh man, she wants a good father with strong family values? Can’t wait to click that link and look at some naked ladies!”
Are spam emails evolving, or is this just the type of junk mail you get as you get older? I’m baffled.
“We’re supposed to believe that Steve’s extraordinary accomplishments are all a result of his genius intellect, but no human being in the history of existence has been able to do the things this teenage nerd can do. If he were a real person, his scientific discoveries would have completely redefined our way of life. Steve Urkel would have singlehandedly propelled our species into its next stage of evolution.”—
“Did you see that commercial, though? This guy’s building a rocket ship on a frozen lake, and the rocket ship is a metaphor for America, and that guy’s wearing a bunch of flag stuff, and he’s a metaphor for America, too. And then at the very end the guy runs away from his rocket, and that’s a metaphor for America running away from America, and now that you’re confused, maybe you’ll buy some pants.”—
“The movie also had plenty for the ladies to enjoy too. Like one of the villains was a sexually liberated Spice Girl, played by Uma Thurman, who poisons men with her kisses. Talk about “Girl Power!” Plus there are male nipples literally everywhere in this movie, so like, that’s a bonus for ladies who are into male nipples.”—
“Italian seismologists set the country’s official Earthquake Forecast to “Never” and advised everyone to just hang out, reveals the report at the center of seven manslaughter convictions over the 2009 L’Aquila earthquake. “Nothing but good times ahead,” they pinky swore.”—
“What is one modification to the human body that would make us better? What do you think the human body could work better/ more efficiently with? Is it moving the placements of your intestines? Is it an extra heart? What do you think?”—
Redditor AreYouGoingToTapThat, kicking off an excellent AskReddit thread. We’ve summarized this body mod thread by sharing our favorite bits, but as always we encourage you to check out the whole thread if you want to read more.
By the way, this thread didn’t get half as freaky as I thought it would. I’m not sure if I’m happy about that, or disappointed.
I forgot how absurd this movie was. Kris Moore does a great job summarizing all the great parts. The “let’s make kids into ninjas” 90s movie fad (Three Ninjas, Little Ninjas, Surf Ninjas) is worth revisiting.
“Noo: “No” as pronounced by the barista when you ask if they have any chocolate croissants even though are none in the display case because hey, maybe they’re making more or something, how would you know, there’s really no reason to be rude man”—