"I got Chex Mix to tweet at Nirvana" — me to my grand-nieces because nobody will have kids with me
My kid still believes in Santa, even though I have told her that there’s no such thing as magic (she wanted to know after reading Harry Potter), and so now she doesn’t believe in any sort of magical powers except for Santa’s ability to traverse the entirety of Earth in a single evening. The center cannot hold.
'A little thing that can turn into anything at anytime.' The fuck is this? What am I, Galactus? Do you understand the catastrophic universal implications of possessing a shape-shifting, time-traveling device? You could turn it into a separate moon any time you like and then the Earth would be fucking DESTROYED by the additional gravitation. You cannot be trusted with this at age 7. If such a thing existed and were affordable, I wouldn't have children. I would have a SPACE BROTHEL.
At long last — and without any warning whatever — your habit of beginning sentences with “Actually,” has brought you total acclaim.